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“To all who mourn… He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.” Isaiah 61:3

I’m here to tell you about God’s goodness. Not the theory of His goodness or a fairy tale story, but a real life example. You see: My God redeemed me. He restored me. And I’m here to say that He can do the same for you, but only if you’ll let Him.

I grew up in a Christian home. I was saved at an early age, and I can remember having a passion for God when I was only about 11 years old. I was raised in a small conservative church, where saying AMEN during the service or raising your hands in worship was not something people did. Even so, I can remember one Sunday night at around that age, when I felt the Lord’s presence. During the middle of prayer time, I got on my knees and began praying. I had never seen anyone on their knees before at our church, but for some reason, I didn’t care what anyone else thought at that moment. This was God calling, and I wanted to obey.

I wish I could say that was the beginning of a life spent serving God. Shamefully, I can’t. A few years later the world and all its problems came crashing in, and my faith went out the window.

I’ve always had a weight problem. In fact, I can’t remember a time when I was ever considered thin. In school, I remember my first grade teacher calling my parents in for a “conference” because she was concerned about my weight and thought I needed to go on a diet. I was only six years old at the time. I still remember the feeling of shame I felt in that moment. Looking back at pictures, I was a little chubby, but I certainly wasn’t fat. Actually, I think I was cute :-) !! But after that encounter, it really didn’t matter. They thought I was fat, so in my young mind, I must be. That’s when my perception started to shape my reality.

At age 13, I attempted to commit suicide by taking an overdose of prescription sleeping pills. I remember having a sense of complete despair in that moment. I felt inadequate and unworthy in so many different ways. I just wanted the pain, hurt and rejection to all go away. If my mom hadn’t realized something was wrong, and tried to wake me up, I wouldn’t be here now. I ended up being rushed to the hospital where they had to pump my stomach. It’s only by the grace of God that I survived.

By the time I entered high school, I weighed well over 200 pounds, but it wasn’t until college that I topped the scales at my highest weight: over 400 pounds on my petite 5’4” frame. I was often the subject of ridicule as I gasped my way around the steep hills of the University of Georgia campus. In class, especially as I gained more weight, the desks became much too small for me to fit inside. Many times I had to sit in chairs and use my stomach as support when taking notes. There were countless times when I would be so humiliated that I would go to my car after class and cry until no tears seemed to be left.

When you’re that size, people openly mock you. They make jokes about you, not just behind your back, but to your face. They give you looks of disgust. You’re an outcast – and you know it. Every trip to the store reminds you of how little others think you’re worth. Throughout my life, I suffered from insults and stares from perfect strangers who knew nothing about me except the one part I couldn’t hide but desperately wanted to.

My lowest point came one year when I took my niece to a Backstreet Boys concert at the Georgia Dome. I have to admit that although I was taking her, I really liked the band more than she did. I was excited and couldn’t wait. The big night came, and when we finally got to our seats, I found I was too big to fit inside. I had to stand most of the night, and let me tell you something… supporting 400 pounds on two legs is not an easy task. Not to mention the stares and looks I received while there. What I thought would be a great night turned out to be one of the most humiliating and miserable nights of my life.

It was that night that I prayed to God for help. I had tried so many diets before. I was constantly waging a war between who I wanted to be and who I was, and no matter how hard I fought, the fat me always seemed to prevail. That night I was broken. I realized I couldn’t keep doing it my way, and so I let go and finally gave it to God.

Over the next two years, God slowly healed my body from a lifetime of obesity. With the help of a balanced diet and regular exercise, and more importantly a changed perspective, I lost over 250 pounds and serve as living proof that with God, nothing is impossible.

I wish I could say that after I lost all my weight, I went on to great ministry and life was grand. I did start up a ministry and spoke to different groups, and I pray that I made an impact on lives during those years, but God still had a lot of pruning and weeding to do in my life.

Shortly after getting married in 2005, I was offered a job in Germany. My husband was German, so we thought this was the opportunity of a lifetime. Besides, I had always dreamed of one day living in Europe. I thought I was moving to Germany to live happily ever after with the man I loved. What I didn’t know then was that God had completely different plans.

A few months after moving to Germany, I remember waiting in the Frankfurt airport for my husband’s plane to arrive. He had been on business in Romania for a few weeks. I still remember sitting outside the gate, with my head bowed and eyes closed, telling God how much I needed Him. I felt more alone being married than I ever did being single. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right. I asked God to show me the truth. I asked Him to reveal what was wrong with my marriage and help me fix it. I believe it’s this prayer that unleashed an entire chain of events that eventually helped save my life.

Less than a month later, I found out that my husband was having affairs. He was telling other women that he loved them and wanted to marry them – all the while being married to me. In fact, I came to find out later that one of the women had already purchased her wedding gown. It was God who showed me how my husband was leading a double life. He was telling me one thing, but the truth was far from his lips. He proclaimed his love to my face, but then he turned around and told others a completely different story. I also found he was searching the internet for “Kriminalitaetsopfe” or crime victims. He “joked” about making sure I had life insurance. He proceeded to make death threats. Here I was, all alone in a foreign country, with a man that I believe given enough time and opportunity would have eventually tried to kill me.

I ended up going to the German court system asking for a protection order so he couldn’t come near me. I spent many days in area hotels, too afraid to go home. When I did go back to the apartment, my husband had taken the car, computer, television, pictures… anything of value he could fit in his car, he took. I slept many nights with a hammer under my pillow. I was in a foreign country where I had no friends and no family. I knew enough of the language to get by but not enough to hold a conversation. I had very little money and big debts.

I had nothing… but I still had God.

It was during this time of extreme grief and brokenness that God showed me the depth of His goodness. I could be bitter about all I’ve been through in my short life, but I’m not. In fact, I’m grateful. Just like He healed my body from obesity, He has also healed my broken heart from a failed marriage filled with abuse, lies and deception. I found a renewed strength and joy that comes only from depending completely upon my Lord and Savior.

Although the words I’m writing are from my own experience, they are written out of my sincere hope that you will see me and realize that with God’s help, change is possible. No matter where you find yourself today, no matter what obstacles are in your way, no matter how impossible your situation may seem…. THERE IS HOPE. Whether it’s obesity, drug addition, bankruptcy, alcoholism, marital problems, sexual abuse, low self esteem, job issues…. whatever YOU are going through right now, I’m here to tell you that God is more than able to overcome.

My God is in the restoration business, and He longs to turn the brokenhearted into the strong spirited. He’s done it for me. He continues to renew me day by day. He can do it for you too. Will you let Him? Will you let Him change your life? Will you let Him fill your heart with such joy that it has no choice but to spill out onto those around you? I want nothing more than for you to be able to one day stand up and say the same: My God redeemed me. He restored me. I promise that when you walk hand in hand with Jesus, He will give you a “crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and festive praise instead of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3). Take His hand today and let Him bring healing and restoration to the broken pieces of your life. I can promise you one thing: If you surrender to Him, you will never be disappointed.

With Much Love,

Jill